TOGGLE COMMUNICATIONS
note 08.08
I think I'm seeing shit.
Shadows where they shouldn't be. Big dark spots. I'm hearing noises, too. Creaking and stepping in the house. Doors are opening in the empty rooms next to me. When I run out of my seat to check, they're closed. Can't be real.
But then they started showing up in pictures.
They're in hallways. They're in the market. Family photos, vacation shots, the animal shelter. I haven't asked anyone and no one's brought it up.
Don't know if I should get it checked out. There's a dangerous probability I get referred straight to talk therapy. I don't need a therapist. Don't need medication, either. I've gone my whole life so far without so much as a single problem, and I intend to keep it that way. I'm not a fucking freak, I'm not a mutant, not a patient, not a number, not a case file.
I'm just a guy seeing shit.
The websites are multiplying. I'm running into so many of them without even trying, now.
Sometimes I get the impression they're trying to tell me something. Obviously, that's stupid, so I don't run with it. But sometimes I think maybe I should.
My mother was like that. Always questioning the little things, the big things, everything. The answers to questions were hers to have, no matter the cost. It's for this reason that my principals probably hated her. Don't know. Too late. Don't care. The websites are funneling me somewhere weirder every day, and it's making me feel, just for a second, that I should start thinking more like her. Don't know how good of an idea that is, given where it led her.
Maybe I'm running in circles, though. Maybe I'm being led there, too, without any knowledge of it. Illusion of free will and all that.
Or I'm just thinking too hard. That's why I could never be her. I'm a guy with zero answers and zero drive to hunt them down. But I still wonder. And I think they still come to me, whether I ask or not.
Interesting page cropped up at the end of my search today. No author. Source data says the title is 'because'. Just 'because'. It's a pretty empty site, but I decided I'd scrape it regardless.
Last night, I slept with the site open. I hadn't gotten a wink the past two days. Something about it helped me fall asleep.
Guess that's why I decided to keep it.
l. vichmann 08.08